Monday, June 18, 2012

She

Erin Elizabeth Feehan was born on April 23rd, 2012. 


Our tiny baby girl came after only 8 hours of labor, weighing in at 6lbs, 10oz.


She has grown so much in 7 weeks, and is so beautiful.


She takes my breath away, and for a very long time, the words would not come.This little poem is the closest I've come to saying what I mean.


My creative spurts are random at best, so I'll probably stick to photos and little phrases for awhile. Her face says it all, anyway. :)

Friday, June 8, 2012

Because I love you


"Why are you so good to me?

"Because I love you."

I lie still as the words really sink in. "I don't deserve that."

"Nobody deserves anything. I chose you. I wanted you. I still want you."

Tears rise, unbidden.

I should not be this lucky. I should be the one on welfare, not the one with no cares as to where the money is coming from. I should be the one with vacant eyes on the bus, dumped and bruised many times over. Not this happy woman who will always have someone to love her. I shouldn't be forgiven for all the hurt I've inflicted, the time I've stolen, the happiness I've demanded at who knows what cost.

Tears now flowing freely, I move quietly away from my tired husband and let him sleep. The thought comes suddenly. That this really isn't all about me. It's him.

He will always be there. There is nothing I can do that will cause him to leave me, or stop loving me, or give up on me. I don't have to worry if he actually wants to listen to my side of the story. I know he does. I am and will always be beautiful to him. And it's not because I am so wonderful. I prove everyday that I am not the one keeping him here.

"Because I love you."

My eyes fly open as those precious words resound through my mind so loudly it's almost audible. The tears stop almost as quickly as they began as awe and wonder fill my heart. Of course. How simple, and self centered of me not to realize.

As I drift to sleep the pervasive truth spreads over me like a blanket. It isn't just him. It's HIM. Jesus loves me, this I know. But, do I  know?

God was there last night, telling me what I could not recognize on my own. I have been so humbled, to realize that every time my husband wrapped me in arms of forgiveness, Jesus was there. When I cried and Ben's words brought me comfort, Jesus was there. He has been so close, literally touching my shoulder, the whole time. And I know that when against all odds and everyone's predictions I came out on the green side of the pasture, Jesus was waiting...because he planned it all. Because he walked with me.

Because he loves me.