The Grand Vizier: Part III

In case you missed the last few entries in the Grand Vizier series, catch up on Part I and Part II here!

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The Grand Vizier rolled up the scroll on his ebony desk and sealed it with a black sealing candle, stamping it with the brass skull that was his signet. Someone was going to be poisoned.  Or at least they were supposed to be poisoned.  It never worked. Inevitably, an animal sidekick would knock over the glass, or a hapless goon would drink it, or some wholly random and unforeseen circumstance would prevent the intended from attending the right party and somehow they would discover that far away in his black tower someone wanted them dead.

It worked the same way with knifing and sniping and trapping and ambushing and even lacy silk pillow smothering.  Somehow the hired murderers, no matter their grim credentials, always managed to fail in some manner.  A dozen times they’d killed the wrong person.  Another dozen times, they’d missed entirely and managed to get captured, inevitably managing to implicate the Black Spire in some manner.   They managed to implicate him even if they died before falling in love with the target and using their now fully functional skills against him.  No wonder Evil Emperor had been bald.

He had occasionally considered changing assassination firms, but The Dark Brotherhood had a long standing contract and going elsewhere was not to be heard of.  It appeared that the standard ineptitude clause did not apply to bad guys.

Not that the Vizier really wanted to see masses of inconsequential citizenry murdered.  Far from it.  The Vizier prided himself in practical efficiency.  If you were an evil grand vizier and your job was prodding heroes into heroism, husbanding dungeon ecosystems, and machinating evil, you put on the black, rallied your ghouls, and did your work like so many burning villages.  It was only right. Somebody had to do it.

Sitting back the Vizier handed the roll of parchment to Carlisle who toddled across the room and dropped it into the horse hair mailbag. It was black.  The Vizier planted his chin in one hand and drummed his fingers.   If only it didn't seem all a little pointless. There were some games you couldn't win for losing.

The Big House: A Walk Down Memory Lane

This weekend my parents are away at the Christian Heritage Conference. It falls to Ben and I to check in and make sure everything is running smoothly at the old homestead. 

I love coming here. There are memories everywhere, and I can take a bit of personal pride in the property. When my family moved here in 2007 this beautiful 2.5 acre plot was buried under heaps of garbage, old vehicles, RVs and various sheds built out of scraps to hide more scraps. Instead of this lovely home, we lived in a single wide trailer. I don't have any photos of that, because it was recently smashed with glee by Dad's backhoe while the whole family cheered.

Today when we drove up to the house, we were greeted by two German Shepherds and a lawn full of grass. The beautiful home is missing only a coat of paint, and the landscaping is well on it's way to completion. Raised garden beds hold teeny green sprouts and a swooping gravel driveway is ready and waiting for the black iron gate we all talked about for so long. Everything has come a long way.

The corner of this old and dangerous A-frame sat where the fancy breakfast nook is now. This thing was absolutely packed full of horribly useless stuff. Emptying it by the wheelbarrow load was a grim business, punctuated by dubious exclamations of, "Why would you save this?!" and a lot of head shaking.

I believe there were 7 completely broken down cars sunk into various corners of the property. Getting rid of those was Dad's job, but Mom and us kids got to clear away the old carpet and roofing that was buried with them. Which is miserable. Just take my word for it. 

Once, when mom and I took a break to despair over how deep one of the piles of disintegrated rubble went, we heard a buzzing coming from an old carpet we had tossed onto the hood of this red truck. Mom has serious reactions to stings, so I suited up head to toe, and stood ready with a bottle of the most poisonous looking concoction I could find in the hazardous substances pile. She yanked the carpet aside and dove for cover while I shrieked and viciously attacked the one poor bee that flew lazily away. I'm seriously glad the hive we were sure we'd find wasn't there. 

That's me! We had a tiny dirtbike track which has expanded by now. You can see a pile of tires...there were millions of them. No. Joke. I remember sweaty afternoons spent digging up layers of rimless tires and rolling them down the big hill to our tire stash. We all grew very strong. When the last dump load was hauled away, we had a party. A big one. For weeks after you could hear little ones playing with their toys and mentioning conversationally to their friends that we had finally finished 'The Tire Job'. Since not to many 6 year olds can brag that they'd spent three years doing physical, adult sized labor, we got lot of blank stares.

Dad built our house with his very own hands. Since it was basically going up in our front yard, and we were involved from the point of breaking ground, the 'Big House' became an ever evolving playground. The foundation was a dungeon, the roof a stronghold and secret spy lair. We hung ropes and swings from the rafters of the enormous attic and camped out with our flashlights and BB guns (just in case). Once the roof was on, there was no kind of weather that could have prevented mom from sending us outside to play.

Consequently, I love the outdoors year round.

Little miss Erin is having a difficult time adjusting to nature, however. 

She is okay being held while we are outside, but touch her feet to the ground and that child has some lighting quick reflexes. All of which indicate no. She will not sit in that grass. Those rocks will not dirty her pretty white shoes. And above all, her hands shall not touch the dirt. 

We are working on this. :)

Thoughts on Child Training

I recently read, watched and listened to a number of child training resources that I should probably read, watch and listen to again. Sometimes it takes awhile for this stuff to sink in. A few points however, stood out in  blaze of red and yellow caution lights. I thought I was familiar with most of these concepts. One year of hands on baby raising has shown me that head knowledge will  not suffice.

• God instructs us to train up our children, not 'discipline up'.There is such a subtle difference here! I'm finding that if you rely solely on consistent, strict adherence to The Rules to create a good little child who will not embarrass you in public something is missing. Rebellion will breed, bad attitudes will form. It will happen before you even know it's possible.
• To train up a child is to show them how. This is so important, and when I'd read the phrase often enough for it to finally penetrate my thick brain I was beyond excited. It felt like the pressure to succeed was suddenly gone and in it's place sat a rolling, hungry desire to live life with my daughter. 
• If you fail in every other area of child training you must do one thing right: create an atmosphere of joy. Just do it. :) Be happy with your life, your spouse. Become a fountain of thankfulness and good cheer. I've read that children only understand outward signs of joy, and it's true! I tried making it a habit to reach out to my daughter and make her smile at least once every thirty minutes and found that with this attitude it's happening more and more and more. 

We are turning over a new leaf. Here is documented proof that my home is happier, my daughter is thriving and this Mama is still growing upwards. (Also some birthday pictures!)

Erin eating a PBJ for the first time. The bread part quickly became rather insignificant.

 Fun with scarves! Erin learned to say 'pretty' that day, and ran around modeling for us. :)

 Mom was cooking, so Erin was too. This is dried oatmeal, which she stirred with a tiny wire whisk. I think a potato was involved at some point as well.

We are starting a garden at my mom's house. Erin tags along and sometimes helps me water the seedlings. 

This one is a bit fuzzy. Erin decided, while playing in the Tupperware cupboard, that Daddy would look great in a plastic hat. She plopped it on his head and declared it 'pretty'.

We had a super low key birthday for Erin for now. First thing after her afternoon nap she got to open the first batch of presents! My sister's were very generous to bestow some of their most precious toys on the occasion of Erin turning one. :)

Her favorite by far was Aunt Amber-Rae's old Baby Sweetcheeks doll. She has this adorable way of saying 'baby' that melts my heart every single time. 

 We practiced putting Baby Sweetcheeks to sleep in her blanket.

 And Erin gave so many kisses and hugs.

Daddy is so much fun! 

 Almost all her birthday gifts from her aunts. The rest couldn't be pried from her fingers at the time.

Mama's Herb Cabinet: Yarrow

According to some herbalists, Yarrow is the one herb you should always have on hand. If your herb cupboard is bare, at least find some yarrow, in some form.

The plant is extremely versatile, and has been shown to have at least a minor effect on nearly every organ in the body. Historically and around the world, Yarrow was known as the Warrior's Herb, able to staunch bleeding in the heat of battle (aka, quickly) and fight off infection. The native Americans used this herb for everything from burns, to toothaches, bad moods, and the common cold. Chinese folklore holds that Yarrow represents the perfect balance of Yin and Yang, and used the herb for protection against evil.

Most notable, is Yarrow's ability to saturate the bloodstream. Interestingly, Chinese lore nailed it. Some have called this herb the great "Master of Blood", because once in the bloodstream, yarrow has the curious effect of doing whatever it needs to. Thin, coagulate, boost the immune, target disease, relax, tone...it balances. Yin and Yang. :)

A dissection of the plant's properties reveals how this flower works it's magic:

"The volatile oils work as antibacterial, anti-inflammatory and diuretic agents. The tannins are aggressive astringents. The alkaloids are both hypotensive and hypoglycemic. Yarrow even has coumarin in its cells which works as an anti-thrombotic to reduce high blood pressure. The bitter compounds that the tongue detects are due to flavonoids such as saponins and unpleasant tasting but powerful alkaloids like achilleine, trigonelline and betonicine. These are the secrets to yarrow's actions in the digestive system, tissues and the blood stream." Sue Sierralupe, Certified Master Herbalist, Yarrow: The Wound Healer

No wonder it's held in such esteem.

Traditionally in my home we have used Yarrow Tincture at the onset of any sickness, or if we knew we were about to be exposed. As long as we took our doses like we were supposed to, we stayed healthy. I remember the gleefully lofty looks reserved for the child who'd refused their tincture and was now suffering from a cold or such, and  was now restricted from all sorts of yummy things. Like sugar. And fun. They'd successfully avoided the miserably bitter dose, but we got to eat our dessert.

Out of curiosity, mainly (Since I don't need convincing-- I know it works!) I went searching for some actual scientific proof that Yarrow combats and prevents the many winter woes that plague us. I gave a little victory dance when I found this: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21821943 and http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17704978.

For years, my mom has been telling us that Yarrow is specifically, and strongly effective against viruses. Most of my research was finding that yarrow is historically used externally for accelerated healing, and internally for minor colds and sinus problems -- yet I knew the herb was excellent in warding off, lessening, and curing tough colds, viruses, etc. The research posted in the links I provided above indicates that components of Yarrow will "prevent the growth and spread of malignant cells into surrounding tissues". Essentially, stop a sickness in it's tracks. And now, scientists are evaluating it's work against cancer.

I'm a little excited.

Here are some of the ways I've been successfully using yarrow with Erin, and Ben. I've used both the tincture and the tea with great results. It's kind of come down to what I can afford and have available at the time.

Yarrow Tincture/Glycerite

Enough yarrow plant (Flowers, stem and leaves. Fresh or dried) to fill a glass jar
Vodka, vinegar, or glycerin
Dark cupboard, or something to keep light from your jar

Lightly pack your container with yarrow. Completely cover with Vodka, vinegar or glycerin. Store in dark cupboard, or in the sun for 2-4 weeks. You may shake the jar occasionally, if you like. Be sure to either paint your jar or cover with something to keep sunlight from damaging your tincture if you are setting your container in the sun. strain, and store in a dark, cool place.

(Yarrow tincture can be purchased online or in some stores, but it's a little pricey.)

Yarrow Tea

2 Tbs Yarrow (dried or fresh)
2 cups boiling water

Pour boiling water over yarrow, and cover. Let steep for 5-10 minutes then strain. Drink hot, as needed.

Uses

Pick me up: My husband recently returned from a tiring trip. He came home exhausted, completely unprepared for the week ahead. I fixed him up some yarrow, and after a short nap he was refreshed, ready to tackle life again. In fact he stayed up way to late having fun, and was still chipper and positive the next morning.

Immune Booster: As soon as you realize you have been exposed to a sickness or feel like you might be having symptoms, begin taking yarrow internally. The number one rule with this herb is AGGRESSIVE treatment. Take it frequently, and consistently until the danger is past. If you ignore this rule, you will not get the benefits you are looking for.

Rash: After contracting a persistent rash from a neighbor child, Erin was fussy and uncomfortable. I was distressed, and about ready to go to a doctor when I was told that Yarrow is excellent for all kinds of rashes. Before each nap (Erin was taking 3-4 a day at that time) I stripped her down and spread Yarrow tincture over her rash. Amazingly, her rash disappeared  and did not come back. All the other treatments I had tried were either to messy to use consistently, or only temporarily useful.

Please take a moment to browse this site for some precautions regarding the medicinal use of this herb: http://www.umm.e du/altmed/articles/yarrow-000282.htm

Mama's Herb Cabinet: Peppermint

Almost 8 months into motherhood, and there are a few herbs that I now refuse to do without. I wanted to write about this sooner but I thought it might be smart to wait for some more experience, and I'm glad I did. This is a small list, which I hope to expand in the near future.

Spearmint/Peppermint Oil Rub

Olive oil 
Peppermint or Spearmint essential oil

Directions: Heat olive oil and a few drops of peppermint very slowly, just until warm. Apply externally in small amounts.

This is the first treatment I ever used on Erin. When she was very little, and we were visiting my mom, Erin had some painful tummy gas. Mom disappeared into the kitchen and returned less than 5 minutes later with a warm, soothing bottle of "baby massage oil". Since Erin was all bundled up, we rubbed it onto her tiny feet (as opposed to her abdomen) and soon she was no longer fussing or arching in pain. Later at home and whenever she suffered discomfort from gas, we massaged the oil into her tummy. The antispasmodic properties of peppermint will relax intestinal muscles and help to quickly dispel gas.

Since then, I've discovered other uses for this simple concoction.

Add to humidifier to relieve cold symptoms. There have been times when Erin was so congested, I was afraid to let her nap alone and she had difficulty nursing. The high menthol content in peppermint acts as an expectorant, breaking down phlegm and thinning mucus for better drainage. Breathing it in helped her to sleep better, and cleared up her chest and sinuses. Knowing this helped me sleep better too.

Rub on temples and across forehead to cool a fever. I don't generally stress over fevers, but sometimes you just need to bring relief and comfort where you can.

Massage into lymph nodes to calm an overstimulated little one. Technically, Peppermint is invigorating. However, it is also used widely as a mood enhancer and anxiety/stress relief, and some studies claim it may improve the quality of your sleep. After a bath, or a little before bed, you can strip your baby down and give her a calming massage. Focus on the underarms, inner thigh, and neck.

Add to bath water to sooth aches, high fever, mild skin irritations, or a generally uncomfortable/fussy baby. You can add a few drops of the pure essential oil to the bath, or the olive oil mixture. Either will be helpful.

Note: Caution is recommended when using menthol containing products on children under three years. Always dilute, and apply sparingly.

Next up, Yarrow! An  important herb for combating winter viruses.

Crock-pot Chicken Stock/Broth

Homemade chicken stock is so healthy and convenient, I felt almost obligated to make some in preparation for the winter months ahead. A good homemade chicken broth will boost your immune system, aid the digestive system, and has even been said to prevent depression! A must during cold and flu season. 

I have yet to obtain a good stock pot, however, and put off the task until I had an, "Oh, duh!" moment while washing some leftover chicken soup from my crock-pot.

I compiled this recipe from numerous sources and it was molded around what was available to me at the time. I suggest wild experimentation when you try this yourself. :) 

Crock-pot Chicken Stock/Broth

Leftover Chicken Bones (necks, backs, wings, legs, etc.)
1-2 Tbls Apple Cider Vinegar
1-2 Tbls Coconut Oil
Dash of Cayenne Powder
2 Tbls Sea salt
1/4 cup chopped/grated Ginger
4 cloves crushed, chopped Garlic
1/2 cup Chopped Parsley

Place Chicken Bones in crock-pot. Cover with water and vinegar and let sit for one hour (The vinegar will help draw out the minerals in the bones).

Add coconut oil, Cayenne, Salt and Ginger. Turn your crock-pot on and cook 10-12 hours.

1 hour before the broth is finished, add Garlic and Parsley.

Pour through a strainer, then divide and freeze! 

I plan to perfect this recipe over the years, making it as healthy and flavorful as I can. Feel free to comment with any suggestions!

In Sickness and In Health

Growing up, my mama was a budding herbalist. I watched and learned, and aspired to care for my family with the same skill and efficiency she demonstrated. I came in to marriage absolutely convinced of my ability to handle sickness! One year later, I have been humbled. Head knowledge was proven to be somewhat unreliable, and my family has not been the picture of perfect health. I am however, determined to learn from my mistakes and experiences and would love to share them here.

I've chosen the title for this series, "In Sickness and in Health" for a number of reasons. First and foremost it is a familiar yet beautiful allusion to our wedding vows, and one of the main reasons I find natural health so fascinating. And then, as any alternative health expert will emphatically insist, it refers to the fact that to lead a truly healthy and wholesome existence you must think of it in terms of lifestyle rather than supplement. Your exertions must extend to times of health as well as sickness (More on this later). Finally I intend to describe all  aspects of my journey as an aspiring herbalist, including the seasons of illness that I don't necessarily conquer. This is meant to be both an encouragement and a warning to my readers.

I would like to begin by highlighting various herbs, natural remedies, and preventative measures that I have either had direct experience with, or have been studying. I will do my best to cite sources whenever possible, but as is common with traditional medicine, experience is often the best  teacher.

The Grand Vizier: Part II

The Vizier sat down on the ottoman heavily and pulled off his pointy shoes. Dropping them each in turn, he sank his bare, aching toes into the thick carpet.  Eyes closed, he put out a hand and as always Carlisle placed a fluted femur in his hand.   The Evil Emperor in whose mighty Black Spire he now resided had sumptuously fitted out his own chambers with thick rugs, canopied bed, and bones.  Lots and lots of bones.  Taking a sip, he wrinkled his nose.  It was always the same vinegary draft.

“What is this swill again, Carlisle?”

“Orc’sh Blood, my lord.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yesh, my lord.”

“Where do we get it again?”

“From the Darkwoodsh, my lord.  The orcsh make it.”

“Do they by any chance bathe in it?”

The homunculus stood silently blinking his enormous eyes for a long moment. “I can’t rightly shay my, lord.”

“Not, with your lisp, no.”

Unperturbed, Carlisle continued. “Would you like a bath, my lord?”

“No. This swineherd will be along any moment now and I really would rather die with my boots on.  My pants also.”

“Ash you wish, my lord.  Would my lord, like shome shupper?”

“I’m not hungry.” There was another silence.  “Carlisle?”

“Yesh, my lord?”

“How long have you been here?”

“Oh, I can’t rightly shay.  Three, four hundred yearsh, maybe?”

“You ever feel like leaving?”

“What doesh the master mean?”

“You know, collect your earthly goods in a hankie, put it on a stick and make a run for it.  Down the side of the volcano and past the Darkwoods and the Evil Caves and the Troll Bridges and the Dragon Lairs and the Beast Pits and the Haunted Mines and through the Fanged Pass and over the Black Fire River to the Greenlands?”

“I don’t think they would like me very much in the Greenlandsh, my lord.  Only nishe and pretty folksh in the Greenlandsh.  Carlisle is not a nishe and pretty folksh, my lord.”

“What if I went with you?”

“Who would be the villain, my lord? Shomebody hash to do great evil upon the land.”

“Oh.”

There was a horrendous wrenching noise in the hall. The Vizier stood with a sigh as the door was flung open.  Without looking over his shoulder, he moved to the window and stared out over the glowing volcanic landscape. It was time for the monologue.

“We all want it my young friend.  That great elixir, that lustrous potency which alone can quench our thirst…”

“My lord?” The homunculus sounded worried.

“Not now, Carlisle.  The monologue.  Very important.  Must explain how I can justify all the evil I’ve perpetrated.  Makes me much more human and relatable.” The man at the window cleared his throat. “To stand atop this spire and…”

“Whaaa…” This was not Carlisle.

The Vizier hazarded a look over one shoulder.  The swineherd was careening across the enormous room toward him, both arms outstretched, his head slightly askew.  There was saliva dripping from his slack jaw.  The wound across his abdomen was still gaping.   Caroming off a bed post, he spun, fell over the ottoman and lay struggling like an upturned turtle.

“Mashter?”Carlisle was standing next to the fireplace. He was holding a fire poker in both hands like a great sword.

“Huh.”

There was a flash of white light and the room was flooded with the smell of hyacinth.  A willowy, dark-haired teenager in a flowing white gown and winged helm was suddenly hovering above the floor.  Somewhere in the distance ethereal voices were chanting.  The girl blushed violently.

“I’m really, really sorry!  He ran off before I finished.  I didn’t even get to give him the speech I practiced.”

“Me neither.” The Vizier said dryly, folding his hands behind his back. “Could you please do something about the drool, I really do like this rug.”

The girl wrung her perfect hands. “Could you possibly kill him over again and I could try one more time?”

Copyright 2012

The Grand Vizier: Part I

My husband (Ben Feehan) has been working on this amazing story since before we were married. It's the kind of writing that completely takes over your imagination! There's no way we can keep it hidden in a folder any longer. Hopefully his work will frequent this blog, with the continuation of this story and others. Stay tuned and check out Part 2!

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The Grand Vizier was everything an evil grand vizier should be. Tall and narrow with a hatchet face and a fiercely aquiline nose, the whole spoke of a sharp and canny danger. Under oiled raven hair, black eyes rimmed in gold were set like icy agates in pitted sockets. Beneath black silk, his arms were lean and hard and ended in spider-like fingers, each encircled by rings of amethyst, ruby, and emerald set upon gold and iron and silver.   Grasped in these fingers was an axe carved from the shoulder of a dragon, the haft white and winnowed, the blade narrow and cresting to a fierce point.

The Grand Vizier’s hall was long and dark, with black pillars soaring away above into the acrid, smokey reaches where it was said, unspeakable horrors nested among the ancient rafters.  The floor was an icy black marble, glinting and ribboned with quicksilver.

A figure in a leather jerkin was sliding inelegantly away from the Vizier across this floor, whimpering. A vivid crimson streak went in his wake.  The Vizier swung the axe and rested it on his own raven black shoulder. “You’re bleeding on my floor, swineherd.”

“I’m…not a swineherd…”

“Oh?”  The Vizier took a few more steps, keeping pace with the figure as he moved crabwise.  “My ravens said you were a swineherd…”

“I am Prince Bryan…”

The dark eyed man slapped his brow with the back of his free hand, and made mock obeisance. “Oh, your greatness, how could I forget?  You’re here to free your father’s benighted realm.”

“You and your evil hordes can never…stand…in the…way of…good…the laws of the universe…will…never allow it…it’s impossible…”

“Oh.”  The tall man paused and tugged on his pointed goatee. “How is it that nobody tells me when they change the laws of the universe? The postage service is really dreadful up this way.  It’s getting very near impossible to get a reliable periodical up here.”

“You…will…”

The Vizier leaned forward. “Yes?”

“…fall….”

There was a long silence. The Vizier cleared his throat. “Are you dead?”

 He nudged the prostrate figure with a toe.  “Oh da….”

There was a rustle of ancient parchments and suddenly the room blossomed with soft golden light and the smell of old binding.  “You weren’t supposed to kill him!”

The Vizier looked down at his pointy toes where they peeked out from under his cloak and drummed his fingers around the haft axe. “Was he really Prince Bryan?”

The Storyteller adjusted his spectacles and sighed. “Would it matter?  You’re an Archetype. You play a role here, Vizier.  I let you have the spot after Evil Emperor quit because you promised to behave.  Now what is this?”

“You have to admit he wasn’t one of your more stellar creations.” The black robed man let the axe fall from his shoulder to the floor with a thud.  “Isn’t he supposed to take longer on the death traps and riddle doors and secret chambers? I mean, really, my hall of tumbling fire was a work of art.”

“It had a lever.” The bearded man waved his quill at the Vizier. “You’re getting too predictable. If’s he read anything by Prince Charming in that magazine of his, that…that…”

“Maidens and Dragons or Sword and Staff?”

“Which one has the free cologne samples?”

“Maidens.” The Vizier scowled.  He had stopped getting the glossy rag after a feature  article had described him as frog footed and smelling of old fish.
  
The Storyteller blinked for a moment and continued. “Yes…yes…well if you got it, you might have noticed the last issue had a whole section on ‘fiendish ploys’.”

“Da…”

The Storyteller raised a bony finger. “This is a strictly child friendly story here, my friend. No swearing.”

“I just killed the protagonist. I think I can swear now.”

“Nonsense. Now I just have to have him raised by a kindly magical being who will remind him that his work is unfinished.” The ancient figure produced a book and started flipping through it. “I’m thinking something in the glowy, white female department…”

“Which means I’ll get chucked from the top of the tower into the mouth of a volcano.” The Vizier snapped. “I’m rather tired of that, you know.  Getting killed is not nice.”

“Oh, but the audience loves it.  Rebirth and victory are important pay-offs.” The Storyteller looked down his nose at the book as he paused.  “We should probably do this on a trash heap.  Would you mind having his body carted away disdainfully?”

“What if I fed him to the dragon? What would you do then?”

The Storyteller looked aghast. “Smokey?  Smokey is vegetarian.  He has very sensitive digestion.”

“Fine.  What if I dumped Prince Bryan into the volcano for a change?”

“You won’t.”

The Grand Vizier sighed and shuffled back to the Throne of Bones where it sat white and stark on the dais at the end of the hall.  The seat was unbelievably hard and slippery, requiring one to firmly plant their toes in the crack at the foot of the throne and push the entire time to prevent sliding off in a most un-menacing fashion during an audience.  “Carlisle?”

A tiny, grayish, hunchbacked creature emerged from behind a pillar.  With a matching pair of arms and legs it was vaguely humanoid.  “Yesh, mashter…?”

“Be a good little homunculus and put the swineherd on the north tower for the ravens.”

“Ooh.” The Storyteller clapped gleefully. “That’s good. That’s very good. Much better than the midden heap.  More skulls and ominous bony bits. Also chains.  Chains are good.”

With another rustle, the Storyteller was gone and The Vizier was left alone to watch the ugly little figure drag the boy down the hall and up the stairs.  It was with only momentary pleasure that he heard the swineherds head meet the first tower stair with meaty clunk.

Copyright 2012

Advice for New Moms: Before, During, and After Baby Comes

These first three months of motherhood have felt like a lifetime unto themselves. Looking back and learning so much, there are a lot of things I wish I had known before I had my first baby. If I could go back in time and talk to my little pregnant self, these are a few of the things I would have told me.

Books

I really enjoyed Babywise and The Baby Whisperer. Each of the books highlight different and important aspects of bonding, and child training, feeding, naps, and various other subjects relevant to parenthood. A thorough perusal of them both should give you a pretty balanced perspective. Discuss the concepts with your spouse and pray for wisdom. (There are many other wonderful books out there, but I found these to be particularly helpful.)

After Erin was born, my husband and I had to work twice as hard at our relationship! The Five Love Languages has been very beneficial to us, even just as a conversation starter.

Asking for help

Ask a loved one to stay with you and your spouse for a few days after your baby is born. My sister in law took the initiative to spend at least three days with Ben and I while we were recovering and adjusting. She cleaned our home and cooked our meals, doing wonderfully unexpected things like washing our laundry, and cleaning up the less pleasant nooks and crannies of our bathroom. She also took it upon herself to make sure I drank lots of postpartum smoothies, and various other helpful things.

During my pregnancy I was very forgetful. Since I've had Erin, I'm not so much forgetful, as I haven't had the energy or time I need to plan and think ahead. I have found it very helpful to keep running lists of the household inventory that needs restocking. If someone offers, or if Ben happens to be going out, I can send a list!

Health and Recovery

Please, please take everyone's advice and SLEEP whenever you have the opportunity. Even after it's been several weeks, or even months, and people stop asking how you're feeling, try to at least fit in a nap.

Make (or have someone else do this!) a bottle of diluted grapefruit seed extract hand spray. Erin is three and a half months old and I still like to have people sanitize when they visit (or wash up after a trip to the grocery store). I'm not a big fan of commercial hand sanitizer. Grapefruit seed extract is an excellent substitute.

Making a soothing peppermint oil for your baby is very simple. While visiting my parents, Erin was suffering from painful tummy gas. My mom simply put a few drops of peppermint essential oil into a tiny vial of olive oil and shook it up. Erin was wrapped up tightly so we just rubbed some of the concoction on her little foot and within a few minutes her gas was gone! I usually rub some into her tummy now, and it works even better. Spearmint essential oil is another option, as I've heard that it is gentler on your baby's system. Just make sure to dilute!

Communicate how you are feeling emotionally and physically. Sometimes women assume the exhaustion or discouragement they feel is normal, or just a temporary no-biggie. Trust me, it's not worth the trouble! The right supplement, or a small diet change can help significantly. Communication with your loved ones and physician or midwife is very important.

Activities/Things to fill your time

After your baby is born, it might be difficult to find the motivation to do anything extra. I would suggest however that you get started on your baby scrapbooks as soon as you can! It's really easy to put this off, and I can tell you it's very likely that you will regret doing so.

Try to be intentional about which activities you choose to fill your down time. Realize that whatever you end up doing on a regular basis will probably become a habit, or at least something that happens way more than it used to. Be warned, and also take advantage of this! Some suggestions:

• Research interesting topics. I love books on interior decorating, container gardening, household organization, personal finance, travel...basically anything that catches my eye in the moment. Ben and I used to frequent Barnes and Noble, and I started to keep record of all the cool things I learned in a tiny moleskin he gave me. 

• Start a new hobby. What have you always wanted to do, but never thought you actually would? Immediately after you have a baby, most people are extremely helpful! When someone asks if they can do something for you, this might be the perfect time to get the supplies you need for a new hobby. You might not even get to it right away, but at least you are prepared to begin whenever you want to.

• Revive old favorite past times. The guitar you haven't touched in ages. The paintbrushes you've almost forgotten how to use. Remember your old journal? This is a great time to pick up hobbies that have fallen to the wayside.

A couple of things I would have like to have put more thought into before labor began:

• How I did my hair! Looking back, a sturdy up-do would have been perfect. I should have asked one of the ladies present to do a nice braid for me. :) (I'm terrible at braiding my own hair!)

• My birthing outfit. I chose a flowy, stretchy purple dress that hit about mid thigh. This would have been perfect had I not decided to jump in the bath! Unfortunately it became very uncomfortable and difficult to manage once I was partially wet. I think next time (Since I plan to labor in a birthing tub next time!) I will wear something made of swimsuit material that reaches mid-calf.

• Set up a birthing tub! Even if you don't think you want to use one, I strongly suggest you have one ready to go just in case you change your mind mid labor. I did change my mind, and I did not have a birthing tub. And let me tell you, a bathtub just doesn't cut it. :)

• Make sure the birthing room has the option to let in/shut out day light, or a small lamp to replace the overhead light if you are laboring during the night. It's nice to have options...I found it more comfortable when the room was dim.

I'm sure there will be much more to come! My baby hasn't even started crawling yet. In the meantime, hopefully some of this advice goes to good use. :)