Because I love you

"Why are you so good to me?

"Because I love you."

I lie still as the words really sink in. "I don't deserve that."

"Nobody deserves anything. I chose you. I wanted you. I still want you."

Tears rise, unbidden.

I should not be this lucky. I should be the one on welfare, not the one with no cares as to where the money is coming from. I should be the one with vacant eyes on the bus, dumped and bruised many times over. Not this happy woman who will always have someone to love her. I shouldn't be forgiven for all the hurt I've inflicted, the time I've stolen, the happiness I've demanded at who knows what cost.

Tears now flowing freely, I move quietly away from my tired husband and let him sleep. The thought comes suddenly. That this really isn't all about me. It's him.

He will always be there. There is nothing I can do that will cause him to leave me, or stop loving me, or give up on me. I don't have to worry if he actually wants to listen to my side of the story. I know he does. I am and will always be beautiful to him. And it's not because I am so wonderful. I prove everyday that I am not the one keeping him here.

"Because I love you."

My eyes fly open as those precious words resound through my mind so loudly it's almost audible. The tears stop almost as quickly as they began as awe and wonder fill my heart. Of course. How simple, and self centered of me not to realize.

As I drift to sleep the pervasive truth spreads over me like a blanket. It isn't just him. It's HIM. Jesus loves me, this I know. But, do I  know?

God was there last night, telling me what I could not recognize on my own. I have been so humbled, to realize that every time my husband wrapped me in arms of forgiveness, Jesus was there. When I cried and Ben's words brought me comfort, Jesus was there. He has been so close, literally touching my shoulder, the whole time. And I know that when against all odds and everyone's predictions I came out on the green side of the pasture, Jesus was waiting...because he planned it all. Because he walked with me.

Because he loves me.

My Year of Change

It's quite appropriate that this is the year I've finally decided to keep a blog. Life is kind of exploding right now. In a good way. Whatever inhibitions I've held about putting myself out there are quickly being consumed by sheer excitement. And no wonder.

The last 12 months have been a whirlwind of change. It feels like all my "firsts" came creeping up behind me and pounced all at once. My first car sort of found me. I landed and quit my first official job, moved out of my parents home and rented my very own apartment. I met the man of my dreams at afore mentioned workplace, said "Yes!", and flew across the ocean to visit Maui as a happy young bride. In a few short weeks my wonderful husband and I will be holding a sweet baby girl in our arms. There have been bills, and taxes and a whole lot of ups and downs. My life now bears little resemblance to the one I was living last January.

Change is good. The door to all the little interests and hobbies and hopes I've tentatively touched, has suddenly sprung wide open. I am surrounded by opportunity. There is so much I want to accomplish, so many ideals I hope to see fulfilled. It's cliche, but I feel like I've found my wings.

The timing, as I said, is quite right. I have a suspicion that actually putting down my thoughts and projects and ideas will help me to focus, and sift. Like making tiny brush strokes, then stepping back to see what you've made.